Canadian Squirrels: The Untold Census Crisis
Statistics Canada Special Report, August 2025
Following extensive field research and a surprising number of workplace injuries, Statistics Canada is pleased to present our preliminary findings on the nation's most underreported demographic: Sciurus canadensis extremis, or as our field researchers have come to call them, "those little fury tyrants."
Key Statistical Findings
Our 2025 Squirrel Census reveals that Canadian squirrels now outnumber humans 47:1, a dramatic increase from the 2020 ratio of 45:1. This growth is particularly pronounced in urban centers, where squirrels have developed sophisticated organizational structures that rival municipal governments.
Toronto alone is home to an estimated 14.2 million squirrels, with the downtown core reporting a density of 8,400 squirrels per square kilometer. For context, this exceeds the human population density of Manhattan, though with considerably more chittering.
Economic Impact
The squirrel economy contributes an estimated $0 to Canada's GDP, yet costs the nation $3.7 billion annually in:
- Destroyed bird feeders ($1.2 billion)
- Psychological counseling for traumatized gardeners ($800 million)
- Power outages from "acrobatic miscalculations" ($900 million)
- Lost productivity from office workers watching squirrel antics ($800 million)
Notably, Saskatchewan squirrels have developed a complex barter economy based entirely on pinecones, which economists describe as "surprisingly stable" and "honestly, more reliable than cryptocurrency."
Regional Variations
British Columbia squirrels demonstrate 34% more zen-like behavior than the national average, often spotted in meditative poses atop Vancouver yoga studios. Meanwhile, Quebec squirrels are functionally bilingual, responding to both "shoo!" and "va-t'en!" with equal indifference.
Prairie squirrels have adapted to harsh winters by developing 23% fluffier tails than their coastal counterparts, a phenomenon researchers call "tactical floof deployment." Maritime squirrels show a statistical preference for seafood, with 67% having been observed attempting to crack lobster traps.
Behavioral Anomalies
Our research has documented several concerning trends:
- 89% of Canadian squirrels can now operate simple doorknobs
- 45% have mastered the Tim Hortons drive-through ordering process
- 12% have been observed filing formal complaints with municipal authorities about substandard acorn quality
Perhaps most alarmingly, squirrels in Ottawa have developed a parliamentary system complete with a Speaker of the Tree who maintains order by throwing nuts at disruptive members.
Methodology Note
Data collection proved challenging, as squirrels demonstrated a 0% response rate to our mail-in surveys and showed active hostility toward our clipboard-wielding census takers. Final numbers were extrapolated using advanced AI modeling, interpretive dance, and what one researcher described as "educated guessing based on the number of angry chittering sounds per hectare."
Future Projections
At current growth rates, squirrels will achieve voting majority in six provinces by 2035. Statistics Canada recommends immediate investment in squirrel-proof election infrastructure and potentially offering them Senate appointments as a diplomatic gesture.
Note to readers
This report was compiled despite 247 instances of data theft by subjects, 82 researcher-squirrel standoffs, and one unfortunate incident involving a census taker trapped in a tree for six hours. Statistics Canada thanks all field workers for their service and reminds them that hazard pay claims are still being processed.